Committing the most heinous of crimes: Five things i don't like about Christmas.

I’ve not even written a sentence and I can already see you imagining my face on that voluptuous green body, donned by the one and only Grinch.  However before you go throwing your toys out of the pram, give me a second to lay down my argument. Christmas to me sucks. I’ve never really seen the point of it and the whole experience just appears anti-climatic.  Every Boxing Day I’m left feeling bored, miserable, skint and two stone heavier.  Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with my family on Christmas day and passively watching the showdown between my grandparents as to whether we are going to watch it’s a Wonderful Life or the Downtown Abbey Christmas Special. However, Christmas today seems to have been turned into a bit of a spectacle loosing its original sentiment and in its place creating spoilt children, debt and ridiculous jumpers.  However, don’t worry I’m not going to go all heavy on you and probably isolate half of the population. Here are five reasons I’m sure you can relate to, too.

    The Christmas Card

The Christmas card can be considered to be one of the central pillars of your early life.  You remember the days of apprehensively waiting at your primary school desk. How many Christmas cards will I get? Will the popular girl send me one? You know who I mean; the one who is cool enough to hang around with the year six’s and married the hunkiest boy in school with a sacrilegious Haribo ring.  Then there is the dilemma of sending them. You’ve got approximately 40 pointless little cards in your pound land saver pack and you need to send out all 40 or you are basically admitting to yourself that you are a loner and subsequently committing social suicide. Do you send your crush your favourite card with the cute dogs or is that too forward? Maybe you should play hard to get and send him the kittens in Christmas hats? How many kisses constitutes sweet before it gets slutty?

This was the origin of the Christmas card for me. It was a point of social tension.  Taking it into the post-pubescent era, I have to ask why do we continue to send these pointless pieces of card? I understand if it’s off your great auntie’s cousin’s girlfriend , who you have not seen in years and needs to give you a run down on all the family's shenanigans. But I do not need a card from my next door neighbor or best friend saying ‘To Rea. Happy Christmas. From Bob’ (for the record I have no friends or, from what I’m aware, neighbors called Bob).  Why don’t you just wish me a happy Christmas in person?  Dwelling on that point, what does a happy Christmas actually mean? It’s just empty words with no sentiment. Some people have told me that they like Christmas cards because they like the words. But their not my words, they’re the words of some bored graduate working at Clintons. He’s probably not had his lunch in a few hours and knows if he throws in the phrase, ‘May your Christmas sparkle with moments of love, laughter and goodwill’, he’ll have hit the nail on the head and can enjoy his tuna sandwich smugly.

Then there is the issue of what you do with the Christmas card and when it is acceptable to resign it to its predetermined fate, the bin. You don’t want to be rude by throwing it away, but it’s January and you really need the bugger out of your life.

  Christmas related stuff

Why is it that as soon as it turns mid-August my vision appears to become limited to a sea of green and red?  And the sparkles, oh the bloody sparkles.  Last week I went out on my weekly haunt to buy a new outfit and it appears that all the high street appears to stock is outcasts from Dolly Parton’s wardrobe.  I don’t want to wear sparkles, sequins or any of that crap. Just because its Christmas doesn’t mean I want to look like the tree. Then there are the songs. Some of them are quite catchy, I mean who doesn’t enjoy Fairy Tale of New York and All I Want for Christmas. However, it’s not all I want to hear on repeat two months before the big day.  There are some people who want/need to dance somewhat inappropriately on a night out and I do not want to see them destroying my favourite Christmas songs by their ‘sexy’ dancing.  Let’s make sure we can cater for all creeds during the Christmas period, shall we? To avoid treasured childhood memories being ruined by Miley Cyrus and her godforsaken twerk.

    Gifts

The stress of buying gifts is always something which makes me dread Christmas. One, I’m usually skint and two, I am so terrible at it. I think one year, in a technological savvy age, I actually bought someone a phone book! Men are even harder to buy for. With women at least you can fog them off with a nice piece of jewellery, perfume, clothes, anything really. Men, why is it so bloody difficult? My mums not much help, ‘what should I get granddad and dad’, the response ‘socks’. How many pairs of socks do you really need? Do you actually like socks? I know that if I unwrapped a beautifully wrapped gift, to find socks I wouldn’t be exactly over the moon. Inevitably we end up buying people gifts they don’t really need and the only person who ends up pleased in the whole process is the CEO of Primark.

    Getting Fat

As Tom Daley cruelly reminded me on Twitter a few days ago, in a cliché post, ‘summer bodies are built in winter’. Thanks for that one Tom.  And how can anyone possibly follow that mantra with the amount of food that appears to suddenly become extremely accessible and integral that you eat in large quantities. Cake, sweets, mince pies, alcohol, roast potatoes, more alcohol and cheap disgusting chocolate coins that you just can’t help sneaking off the Christmas tree. I try to restrain myself, but theirs always my nana reminding me that, ‘it’s Christmas, it’s a treat’ and ‘give over, there’s nothing of you eat more’. If persistent she will then whip out the big guns and say that’s she ‘worried about my eating patterns’, (this all comes from the woman who has a spoonful of mash potato and is full). It’s a difficult situation to navigate and the answer is usually to just consume as much as humanely possible. However after this eating jamboree, you then immediately feel guilty. Eventually you come to the realisation that the sparkly Dolly Parton dress, you were forced to buy as an exacerbated consumer, will have to be returned back to the store. More than likely, it will probably return to haunt you in your local Oxfam a few months later.

  The After match

So the build up to Christmas cannot be described as anything other than pure excitement. People are always smiling and it gives your days at work meaning as the countdown to the forsaken holiday begins.  Bright jumpers come out and there is the inappropriate scene at the staff Christmas party, you spend weeks trying to forget about. Secret Santa begins and your electricity bill rockets sky high from the amount of LED lights flashing in every room of the house. However, when the day comes you can’t help but sense a dark cloud foreboding in the near distance, often literally and not just figuratively. Everyone knows winter is a killer; the sun sets before kids get home, its freezing and if you are a student you spend 90 per cent of your time revising in several duvets.  So, when the day of reckoning arrives you can’t help but feel kinda sad that your chocolate calendar abandons you here. Another two months of the black abyss alone, until spring arrives.

Sorry to piss on everyone’s bonfire. I am not completely miserable there are some joys to come out of Christmas, which is namely the 2015 One Direction Calendar.  

Only five more days till December and when everyone subsequently loses their marbles.  Merry Christmas!

Seven reasons you should travel alone

So, this summer I took the ultimate plunge and decided to set out across Africa riding solo. Jason Derulo style. It was a two month stint around Southern Africa independently. There is a lot of stigma with traveling solo. Will I be safe? Will I make friends? And, moreover, will people think I'm a crazy weirdo? It’s these thoughts which often restrict people from taking the plunge and getting out there. It can be hard being around people who don't have the same aspirations as you, but that doesn't mean you need to let your dreams fester. Traveling alone is an incredible experience and here are seven top notch reasons too.

1: YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

Did you hear me? I said NEVER.

 I remember sitting on my flight to Cape Town a nervous wreck, full of excitement, dread and anticipation (but mostly dread). "I'm not going to meet anyone!” I exclaimed silently in my head.  “It’s fine”, I reasoned to myself, “It’s only two months, I can get by alone for eight weeks?” These thoughts turned out to be completely futile as its turns out when you're travelling alone you are never alone. People are ridiculously friendly and everyone always wants new friends. I couldn't help thinking I'd reached the peak of my popularity that summer, feeling like the brunette and clumsier version of Regina George. In fact I can only think of one evening when I was alone and that was self-inflicted, as I had a very important Jodi Picoult book I needed to get through. You meet different people every day and often get asked the same questions. By the end of the trip you'll be able to round off your important information in a matter of seconds. My name is Rea, I'm 21 and I've just finished university. If I was a sofa I'd be a recliner, I'd rather have no toes than fingers and I’d like to think in ten years’ time I'll be helping Harry Styles pick out polka dot tea towels for our new home. You know? The basics.

2. You meet the most incredible people.

So you get it. You are never alone when travelling and the best part is that these people are usually incredible. You get to meet people from all walks of life. Whether that's a crazy jam-sniffing Canadian, young soldiers from Israel, an American with a 'suns out guns out' tank top, or a girl from Manchester who has eaten monkey and chips. The best part is that they are usually similar minded with the same dreams and aspirations as you. They motivate you to do better, travel more and live more freely.

3. Travelling with friends could be a disaster.

Don't get me wrong I love my friends. When I was sat on that plane on the way to start my adventure the only thing I wanted was them. I needed someone to tell me my hair looked like a birds’ nest and someone to ridicule my choice of footwear (trainers from year nine gym are never a good look). However, in hindsight, I don't think I could have done these two months with my partner in crime. For one spending that much time with your best friend could be intense. Eating together, sleeping in the same room, brushing your teeth together, it is bound to cause arguments at some point.  She wants pizza, you want African cuisine. She wants to go cage shark diving, but you want to read a book. She wants a Mojito on a two for one deal, but you want a Long Island Ice Tea! It’s bound to end in disaster.

I think having friends with you when travelling could also hold you back.  If you have your friends, you may sometimes feel you don't want to make an effort with new people. I remember one night being ridiculously hung-over, wanting nothing more than my pillow. However in an attempt to not appear anti-social, I somehow got goaded into playing an insane game of beer pong and ended up on the mountainside with a herd of goats and some crazy Australians.  If I'd have had my friends that night, I probably would have settled for a cup of Horlicks and an early night. I would have never engaged in a drunken argument with a very sassy goat. A must for your bucket list.

4. You learn things about yourself

There is that awful cliché that when you are travelling 'you find yourself'. What does that even mean? Where was I hiding all this bloody time? I'm pretty sure I could find myself before and it was usually pining in my bedroom after Topshops' new lines.  So, in an attempt to ditch the cliché, I would say that you learn new things about yourself. For example, I learnt that I can talk to anyone and, in doing so, talk the hind legs off a donkey. I like to be alone, I love being with nature, don't like busy cities and have an irrational fear of goats (I realise that this sounds like a personal ad for match.com). I never knew that I could have such interesting and exciting conversations with strangers, but when you are pushed into these situations you surprise yourself. It also helps you clarify your goals, dreams and aspirations. A lot of travelling is spent on busses staring out of windows listening to Taylor Swift songs. This prolonged silence, and the sweet notes of Tay Swizzle, give you a good opportunity to clarify who you are and what you want to be.

5. You are pushed out of your comfort zone

Building on my last point, travelling is all about pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. The complete act of packing up your life and travelling to another part of the world alone is, dare I say it, pretty dam badass.  This complete freedom can be daunting and pushes you out of your comfort zone, which only has excellent results. You start to do the craziest things! Whether that’s white water rafting down the, crocodile infested, Zambezi river, walking with lions,  skydiving, swimming with sharks or surfing. Or, not speaking from personal experience (cough* cough*), sleeping in an national park to hear an elephant outside your tent and sharing your dying wishes with a six foot, strange, German man.

6. You can be anyone you want to be.

Another great part of travelling alone is getting the chance to leave everything behind, all your worries, secrets, insecurities, gone. You can be whoever the heck you want to be!  You can take it to the extreme like I did, telling strange men you are a marine biologist with a Lebanese boyfriend called Julio (pronounced Hoolio), (what Lebanese person is called Julio?). Or you can be more subtle and do all the things you’ve always wanted too without scrutiny. You can kiss that boy you find cute with the nerdy glasses. You can share the opinions you’ve always kept under wraps.  Ross and Rachel weren’t, technically, on a break and…. I don’t really like Christmas.  You can make the most outrageous jokes and watch them fall flat because WHO CARES, you can pick up, leave and start again tomorrow at a new destination! It truly is a liberating process.

7. You are a crazy weirdo. Embrace it.

Finally, why worry if people think you are crazy for travelling alone? You are crazy and that’s something to be proud of. You dropped your life, friends, family, home comforts to live out your dreams and follow your passions. If that makes us crazy weirdos, I know I don’t care.  That’s exactly what I want to be.


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